So many people who finally decide to seek out help have been avoiding counseling for many years. It usually is not until they have reached a critical stress point that they decide to go. By then there are so many issues it is sometimes impossible to untangle the mess. Hoping that a problem will just work itself out on its own is a major coping skill many people use when they are faced with difficult problems in their life. Sometimes refusing to face your problems will only make things worse. But avoiding the problems is not the only coping skill they may use.

Denial

Denial and I don’t mean the river in Egypt is one of the most powerful thought processes the mind has. In many instances it helps a person to look straight at a problem that is facing them and refuse to acknowledge the problem exists. To deny a problem means they do not have to admit it exists. Many times Denial can reduce anxiety, depression or anger. This method of coping will only work for so long before it blows up in one’s face. Then all the problems that have been ignored come to light at one time, like the eruption of a volcano.

The walking on eggshells routine

Sometimes people not only avoid their marital problems, they literally avoid their spouse. This can be due to their inability, unwillingness or fear in addressing their spouse’s behaviors. People living in this type of a relationship may cope with it by choosing to work late, taking on jobs in which there is a good amount of time spent traveling; spend extra time with friends, or engaging in any activities separate from their spouse. When a marriage reaches this point, it becomes critical that problems are addressed immediately before the relationship deteriorates completely.

Fear of Confrontation

Many people in relationships will try to avoid, ignore or walk from confrontation. They may be concerned they will offend the other person, hurt their feelings or be concerned over their reaction. Some may fear for their own safety, maybe their partner will become angry or reject them. Whatever the case may be, research suggests that confrontation can be very healthy for a relationship, as long as it does not contain mean criticism, blaming, defensiveness or violent (both verbal and physical) response.

Wanting to Keep Up Appearances

Many people spend their lives living in a phony existence. They are so concerned about how things look on the outside; they are unable to be real on the inside. These couples want to appear as though they have everything together. They are concerned that addressing their issues might not look good to the outside world. People may talk, what would they think everyone would soon know.

Afraid Things Will Get Worse

Many people fear the breakup of their marriage. So sometimes they avoid addressing issues because they are afraid that things will only get worse. Sometimes this can be true, especially in the short-term. However, avoiding these problems will also likely lead to things getting worse over time.

Acknowledge Your Problems

It is important to be truthful with yourself and your spouse about your feelings and problems. If you continue to avoid addressing your issues you will only build resentment over time. According to John Gottman, (One of the country’s most well known authorities on marriage) Resentment is one of the four major areas that can predict divorce.  Honestly evaluate your marriage’s strengths and weaknesses and think about what problems you want to address. If any of this sounds familiar do not be afriad to seek marriage counseling